


Sleepless Nights

by TurtleSoup



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Internal Conflict, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:15:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24766795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TurtleSoup/pseuds/TurtleSoup
Summary: Jimmy has had that one night on his mind since the incident happened and his feelings are confusing. He goes to Thomas in the middle of the night for advice.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Jimmy Kent
Comments: 4
Kudos: 68





	Sleepless Nights

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I don't know if this fic is any good, but I love them okay. There's gonna be more fics. I'm almost done with season 5 I think!

It had been on his mind since it happened. That one night. That one kiss. Thomas had scared the bloody hell out of him, that was for sure, but they had gotten passed that. At least, Thomas had. They were friends now, that much was true, and Thomas kept respectable boundaries, but the incident still nagged at his mind nearly a month after the fact. Every night when he went to sleep all he could see was Thomas and all he could feel was the press of his lips on his own.

He didn't know how to feel about that, but his nights hadn't been restful since. And this night was again restless. No matter how much he tossed and turned, he couldn't sleep, his mind plagued by the one and only Thomas Barrow. So he laid there in bed, scowling up at the dark ceiling, trying to forget about the whole thing. Every time it crossed his mind he got this twinge of anxiety that he couldn't shake. After all, he was a _ladies_ man, was he not?

The thought made the nighttime silence even more still. He _was_ still a ladies man... wasn't he? One mistaken kiss from Thomas couldn't change that. Or could it? He didn't know much about Thomas' kind. He didn't know how this sort of thing happened. Thomas had explained to him once while they were alone on a smoke break that it was something that was simply natural to him, nothing more complicated. Even he could understand that, but he still had his doubts.

If nothing had changed he wouldn't be in this situation now would he? He groaned, covering his face with his hands. It wasn't really a straight thought to constantly be thinking about a man kissing you. But he _couldn't_ be like that! He couldn't! A knot formed in his stomach. He didn't want to deal with this. But no amount of shoving it away worked. Then a thought occurred to him. He could just ask Thomas. He would know, surely.

However, it was an ungodly time of night and everyone would be sound asleep by now. Still. The thought nagged him. Maybe he could think about this logically. Thomas was a handsome bloke, there was no doubt about that, anyone could see it. Tall, dark hair, pale eyes... He shook his head. That wasn't helping. Perhaps Thomas wouldn't mind a late night visit after all, surely he'd be forgiven the intrusion.

If he waited, he'd lose whatever semblance of confidence he had. They were friends. Friends talked about things. But he'd never liked to go deep into his feelings, it felt... strange. Jimmy sat up in bed, gripping the edge before pushing himself up. The wooden floor sent a chill up his feet. He took a deep breath, nerves rattling around inside him, and padded across to the door before his feet glued him to where he stood.

He peered into the hall, and seeing that it was empty, went to Thomas' door, knocking softly before entering. If he were caught sneaking Carson would have his head.

"Thomas? Are you awake?" The question sounded shaky and stupid as it left his mouth. Of course he wasn't awake.

Thomas groaned, rustling amongst the bed sheets. He sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Jimmy?" he asked, confused. "What're you doin' in here?"

"I— Well, that is— I..." Any thoughts he had had immediately melted into goo. What _was_ he doing here? He shouldn't be in here. Why was he so anxious? It was only Thomas.

Thomas, who was dimly lit in the moonlight coming through the windows. Thomas, who was staring at him with those cool eyes. Thomas, who despite the early hour, had a gentle smile gracing his face.

_Good God._

Jimmy leaned against the door for support. No, no, he couldn't do this. His heart hammered in his chest, he was positive it would wake everyone in the house. Maybe he should just go back to bed. If anything, he could avoid the sinking feeling of reality pushing into his brain.

"Jimmy? You alright?"

His eyes snapped up. "Ah. Yes." He cleared his throat, feeling it dry. "I was wondering if I could ask you something."

"At this time of night? It couldn't've waited til morning?"

In the morning he didn't think he'd be brave enough for such a conversation. He wasn't so sure he was brave enough now. "I can leave if you'd like." Every nerve in his body screamed at him to leave.

Thomas shook his head. "No, you're here now, and I'm awake. Pull up a chair."

Jimmy nodded stiffly, bringing the chair over, and sitting down across from Thomas' bed. He busied himself, staring hard at the floor and playing with his hands. _Just breathe... He's not going to judge you for having questions._

"What's botherin' you?"

He jolted, feeling a hand on his knee. Thomas lurched away as if he'd been burned.

"Sorry."

"No, it's fine." He ran a shaky hand through his hair. Thomas' eyes were piercing through him, making him fidget.

"Jimmy." Thomas leant forward. "Did something happen?" He looked on with concern.

Thomas always had been able to read people well, not that it was difficult to tell in this situation that something was wrong. Jimmy couldn't look him in the eye.

"Happened? Yes and no." His mind raced. This entire month all he could think about was Thomas and now here they were, just them, alone, and in private.

"Well, that's very cryptic."

"Look, I can... I can just leave. Just forget about it, alright?" He made to stand, but Thomas made a gesture for him to stop.

"No, look here. You were the one to come in here and disturb my sleep, so it must be important, yeah? I don't know why you're fussin'."

Jimmy sat back in the chair, sighing. "I'm sorry, I... It's not something easy to say, Mr. Barrow."

"You know you can call me Thomas. No one's here. It's just us," he said softly.

_Just us._

He took a deep breath, but still wasn't able to feel anymore relaxed than when he came in. _Just say it. Just get it over with._ "I've been thinking about... that night. When you uh... you know..." He made a vague hand gesture.

"Oh..." Thomas shifted uncomfortably. "What about it?"

Jimmy shrugged, turning to look out the window, to look anywhere but at Thomas. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I haven't been able to sleep well since," he admitted. He could feel the blush creeping along his face. Humiliating.

"I thought... I thought we'd moved passed that. I told you we can just stay friends, can't we Jimmy?"

"Of course!" Jimmy turned, eyes landing on Thomas, who was trying his hardest to contain his worry. "Don't doubt that, please. That's not what this is about."

"Then what _is_ it about, Jimmy? You're worrying me."

"I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about you or— Or how it's made me feel." He buried his face in his hands. "Thomas, I don't know what to do!"

A pause of silence grew between them.

"Jimmy... Jimmy, look at me."

But he couldn't. This was too much. This wasn't what he'd imagined of his life. A life that was illegal and sinful, not that he truly cared about the sin part. This went against every fiber that he thought made up his being. It terrified him.

"Jimmy, please...?"

There were hands on his, pulling them slowly away from his face. And then nothing but Thomas in front of him.

"I can't..." He breathed, starting again. "I don't think I can do this." Despite himself, he was on the verge of tears, but desperate not to let them fall.

"Do what?" Thomas scowled, genuinely confused.

Jimmy had to turn away, tears slipping down his cheeks. "Thomas... I... I can't stop thinking about... you." Was he shaking? He hoped not. His voice was. "Am I... Am I like you?"

"Jimmy... I can't be the one to decide that for you." Thomas gently squeezed his hands. "Can you tell me how you're feeling?"

"Confused," he answered simply. "I don't know what's come over me." He couldn't bear to look at Thomas, focusing hard on the stars he could see out the window. If he looked at him now, he may just die.

Thomas was silent a moment, then asked, "You said you couldn't stop thinking about me?"

"Yes..." He tried not to sound too ashamed of it.

"Are you going to tell me what about? Or shall I guess?"

Jimmy shrugged weakly. "Not much to tell really. Just... you." There was truly nothing more to say. Every bit of Thomas had been on his mind, from the way he held himself, to the smug look he would get when things were going his way, to his strong shoulders and soft lips. He dared a glance. Thomas had the smallest reserved smile on his face. He probably wasn't sure what to think about all this. "I'm sorry if I've made you feel uncomfortable with all this."

"No... No, not at all," Thomas whispered. "How long have you been feeling like this? Was it when..." He trailed off.

"When you kissed me." Jimmy dared to finish his words. "Thomas." This time he turned to look at him fully. He hadn't moved an inch and was still holding his hands. "I— I don't want to feel like this. I can't. I can't do it!" He turned his gaze to the floor as his vision blurred. "I'm not like you Thomas. I'm not that brave. I'm not as strong as you... I know how much trouble I could've gotten you in if I..." He didn't want to think about that, not that it had been his idea in the first place, but nevertheless, he still felt guilt over it.

"That wasn't your doing and you know it." Thomas sat back, taking his hands away. Jimmy already missed their warmth. "Listen, Jimmy... I won't say it's easy, because it's not. But if I may say... You make me very happy. I don't remember ever feeling this good in my life. And if... If it's not something you want, it's alright. Your friendship means... so much to me, I would hate to lose it."

"Thomas, you'll always have my friendship. I should hope you know that." It was his turn to lean toward Thomas, resting his elbows on his knees and not quite reaching for him. "It's not even that I... That I don't want it," he said honestly. "I never knew I could have this kind of side to myself. It's kind of scary, you know? God, that must sound so stupid." But when he looked at him, there was nothing of the sort that made him think Thomas thought he was a complete idiot.

"It's not stupid, _you're_ not stupid," Thomas reassured. "Given how most grow up, I can't say I'm surprised. It's not really somethin' people aspire to be." He gave a sad smile.

"But... you _knew_ , didn't you?"

"Yes, but that's not always the case. It's a funny thing like that. But I see no reason why you can't fancy women and men."

"It just feels so... odd, to me. I haven't felt anything like this before." He scowled, playing with his hands again.

"Well, maybe I'm special then, eh?" Thomas teased, and Jimmy couldn't help but give a little laugh. "Look, what ever it is you decide, I'll help you. You're not alone in this."

He didn't deserve him. Thomas had his flaws of course, but Jimmy knew that he was a good man deep down, sometimes he just didn't know how to show it to others. But more often than not he'd shown it to him. Thomas had shown him his heart and trusted him with it. They were friends, yes, but also... something more. He smiled, wiping at his eyes. "You've gone soft, Mr. Barrow."

"Perhaps." Thomas fidgeted. "Is that such a bad thing in this case?" He had a look of unsure expectations in his eye.

Jimmy felt more settled, a little more sure, though he still didn't quite understand it. But he couldn't deny there was something between them, a sort of attraction that wasn't going away. And it didn't need to. If Thomas could live his life everyday how he was, why couldn't he do the same?

His heart slowed to a steady, strong beat, and he smiled. Everything felt more sane with Thomas around. Maybe, just maybe, he could try to be brave. For Thomas, and for himself.

He then realized he hadn't answered Thomas yet, and he was just waiting, perhaps thinking his happiness would be dashed once more, as it always had been before.

"Thomas." Jimmy cleared his throat, feeling remarkably shy all of a sudden.

"Yes?" Thomas had his full attention.

Jimmy swallowed hard, then stood up from the chair slowly, to kneel in front of him.

"Jimmy? What are you—"

"Shh! If you don't shut up I don't think I'll be able to." He only had the smallest shred of confidence to do this.

"Able to what?" Thomas scowled, only slightly, and then it altogether disappeared when Jimmy's hands reached up to cup his face.

Jimmy's mind buzzed with worries and fears and wants and hopes, but mostly with thoughts of Thomas as he leant in and kissed him slow. Thomas let out a muffled noise of surprise, hands barely resting on Jimmy's back as if his touch would break him. Or maybe he thought Jimmy would change his mind. Either way, Jimmy pulled him closer, savoring the warmth of his mouth until he parted from it.

Thomas looked absolutely awestruck, which only made Jimmy break out into his trademark grin. "I think I feel better already."

"Jimmy, are you... are you _sure_?"

"Shall I kiss you again for proof?" His confidence was already gaining, but he also didn't want Thomas to feel like he was toying with him.

"Yes, please."

And Jimmy did just that, kissing Thomas exactly how he deserved it, sweetly and deep. He didn't want it to end. But he pulled away, lingering in front of Thomas. "It's late..."

"Yes, it is... You should get to bed. Can't have you tired all day tomorrow."

"Trying to get rid of me already?"

"If I had my way you would be here all night." Thomas caressed his arm, and Jimmy felt like he'd turned a very bright red.

He stood, running his hand through his hair, feeling rather giddy. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"I should certainly hope so."

Jimmy smiled. "Goodnight, Thomas."

"Goodnight, Jimmy."

Tonight, he would finally be able to rest easy.


End file.
